Gloomy Sunday

I’ve always hated Sunday. I always feel that Sunday is the gloomiest day of the week. The sky is always darker on Sunday. The grass isn’t as green. The house seems quieter even though the television was on till volume 30. My heart hurts so deeply whenever I think of him… Thinking that he might be with his gf hurts me so much… He will be out of town again tml. I hope this will be a good cool down period for us… Its been so many times that I got my heart broken… I hate to go through this kind of feeling over and over again. I am someone who doesn’t need much sleep… However, I wish I could sleep more whenever I am sad. Coz slping is the only time when my mind stop thinking. But hell shit! Its even more difficult for me to go to slp whenever I feel sad…. I really miss my man… Should I plot my way to get him for myself?

Signing off
Adri

Answers...

Why does he lie to me? Why does he cheat? Was he gf not good enough? Am i too good/ better than his gf? Was he just greedy and wanted to have the best of both worlds? Did he just want to have the cake and eat it too? Maybe he treats me just like a fuck buddy? But if so why does he waste his time to chat to me over the phone, wake up earlier to have breakfast with me, bring me for movies?? Why? Why? Why? Answers, Answers, I need an answer to everything. Every action is done to have a reaction. Therefore, I believe there is a reason behind everything. I am stubborn. Even though the truth may hurts, I will still go all the way to dig out the well-hidden cruel truth. Maybe that’s the reason why I can’t have long-term r/s with guys. Coz sometimes I question everything they did. Why do treat me so nice tonight? Coz u wanna bed me? Insecurities…. I am never lack of. But yet, I nv let it show. KIA is the only guy who sees all sides of me; the good and the bad. Some guys I met like to use my independence as an excuse to neglect me. Some think that I don’t need much protection from them coz of the strong front that I put up. Some was even worse…. They think that I won’t cry…. ‘My ex-man’ is one of them who think that I don’t cry easily. So when I first saw the photo on his hp, he thought that the most I would do is just to walk off. But instead, I let 2 drops of fat, precious tears rolled down my cheeks. But just 2 drop… or the most 4… I hate it…. I hate to let ppl see the weak side of me. I don’t want them to use my weakness to their advantage. That’s why most man only sees the strong side of me… I don’t have the courage to open up to them….

I think of my man a lot… I miss him so much… I miss the way he feeds me with drinks using his mouth. I miss the way he always goes, ‘ Bao bei… don’t be angry la….’ I just miss everything about him… When I am alone, I think of him so much… Work is the only think that take my mind off him. I work and work…. I stayed in the office to finish work that was 1 week ahead of date due. At times when I am alone taking the train, I blast my ipod to the loudest volume that I can take. My ultimate nightmare is not having work to do and having my ipod low batt. Coz when these happens, my mind would be full of him…. So much of him than I can take. I don’t want to be the strong girl that ppl perceived anymore. I want protection… I want security…

Signing off,
Adri

A short one.

A short post before I go to work.... Being able to blog so early in the morning means that I didn't have a good night slp... It wasn't easy for me to fall aslp... And when i do, I woke up with the slightest movement or noise feeling a pang of pain in my heart. As I say, I don't feel like talking much nowadays, therefore, penning down my thoughts is the only release for me. I woke up this morning with puffy eyes. I can't remember when I fell aslp but i do remember that I cry myself to slp under the blanket. I am tempted to run back in the arms of KIA like I used to. Thats the only place where I know I can find the solace that i want... And i think eventually, i will go back there but not now... For now, I just need some more time to cry and to feel sad.... To adjust to the fact that 'my man' cheated on me... To accept the fact that I won't ever be seeing him anymore...

Signing off,
Adri

Lesson in Life: Expect the Unexpected

I have nv felt so terrible in a long time.... I'm really depressed beyond words... I dun feel like talking to anyone at all. When I'm at home, i just shut myself up in the room. I don't feel like eating either....I just want to stone... Just want to stare into the space... Just wanna wallow in self pity... Why must he still msg me??? Can't he just let me get on with my life.... Why must he play around with me... Is it coz he haven f**k enough of me yet? I want to get on with life. Mr KIA called me the past two days but I didn't answer. I know if he knew that i was so sad, he would put down all his things and rush over to be by my side... But this isn't what i want.... What i need now is peace and space of my own...Why can't i be more determined? Why can't i just ignore him when he msg me???? Maybe sub-conciously, I was actually hoping that he would still contact me... Why must life be so hard on me??? Why must I fall for someone only to find out that he has been lying to me since day one. All the things that he did for me was just a plot to get me into bed. Sometimes, i really wish that life would just end painlessly right now....I dun wanna face all the things that i'm facing.... I hate the way i am. I hate myself for falling for a jerk....I hate myself for crying so much for him...Sleep is the only comfort that i can get, but i have problems falling aslp... The moment I lie on the bed, memories of him keep coming back... Those times we had together.... Those times when he says he loves me... Those time when he showers me with oh-so-sweet kisses... Those time before i found out that he got a gf...Can someone teach me how to fix a broken heart??? Coz my heart is shattered right now.....

Signing off,
Crying Adri...

When was the last time u did something for the first time...

Finally end of my unhappy bday. I am really trying hard not to call him, sms him and msg him even when I see him in msn. But I really can’t bear to not answer his call when he call me, not reply his sms when he text me and also can’t bear to ignore his msg in msn. And he knows it. He saw through my weakness and played around with it. HE say he really misses me and can’t help it. He wants to continue seeing me…… I am tempted but I made a promise to myself that I will never be the other woman and I must stand by my faith. I can compromise to anything but sharing the one I love with another woman. Coz once I put my love on someone, I fall deeply. I can do silly and crazy things for the one I love. However, due to bad experience in the past, I tend to put up a protective wall around myself in order to prevent myself from getting hurt. I tend to over-analyzed the guys around me and I make sure to never let them know what I am really thinking. I like to let guys keep guessing about what I’m thinking. But I guess I’m not good at this around guys that I like.
***
In my 22 years of life, I only had one bf. I may have lots of flings and no strings attached r/s after that. But when I’m with this bf, I was totally faithful to him in our 3.5 years of r/s. I knew him when I was only 16 turning to 17 soon. He is 4 years my senior. When we were together, I wear the pants in the r/s. I got whatever I wanted. He appeared to be a very good bf. The last thing that I would ever believe is that he would cheat on me. I had always believed that god is fair. So I believe that if I remain faithful to him, he will do the same to me. When I was with him, I seldom go out with my guys friends any more. I gave up a lot of things for him. Little would I knew that after 3.5 years together, he will leave me for an old woman. Arg!!!! I hate old woman…..He left me for a girl his age… My pride and my ego was totally crashed…. It was after him that made me lose confidence in guys. After him, I can’t seems to find guys of the same frequency with me. KIA is someone like a brother to me, so therefore, he can’t be the one whom I can spend my life with. Then Jing came along….. But due to my expectations and his aspirations, we can’t be together… After Jing, I met ‘my man’…… I like him more than I thought…. I really thought that we can be together…. But now, my heart is hurt once again…

Signing off,
Adri

Wish me happy birthday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

What-ifs.... Maybe...

‘ I know I promise not to call or sms you any more but I really can’t stopped thinking about you’ He text me this just now…
I really can’t figure out what he wants me to do. If he just wants to bed me, he already got what he wants. He already bed-ed me. What else does he wants out of me? I am already trying my best not to call and msg him. But somehow or rather, I found myself looking at my hp every now and then…. What am I really wishing for?? So what if he calls me? So what if he sms me? I really miss him…. Apart of me really wish that he can loves me in return…. I am no angel, I know that. I am just a slut who slps around with someone elses man. I feel downright cheap and dirty. But I still can’t stop myself thinking of the what-ifs and maybe situations. Maybe he really likes me? What if he gives up his 6 years of r/s to be with me? Maybe he really doesn’t mean to lie to me??? What if we are really meant to be together??? I am evil…. How can all these thoughts ever had crossed my mind? Why do I still find myself hoping to see him in msn?? Why do I still find myself wondering if he really likes me? But then, if he don’t likes me and just want to get into my skirt, why does he still wants to see me when he already got what he wants? Can anyone pls advise?

Adri

The Other Woman

So much things happened in the past 1 week that I dunno where to start…..
1st, I moved out of KIA’s place telling him that I missed my mum and would like to move in to stay with her. I think he suspected the reason I gave but respected it anyway. But of coz, the reason behind it was because of my man. I was starting to like him more with each passing day and I really can’t bear to stay with another man lying to my man that it was my relative that I was staying with. My man was back in town after a business trip to Indonesia this week. I missed him so much and we spend few mornings before work together to have breakfast. Things were so sweet. We chatted on the phone almost every night and we talked about how we met each other. And also how I sweep away his hand when he first tried to hold it while we were crossing the road. My man love to shower me with oh-so-sweet kisses. He likes to look deeply into my eyes but whenever he does that I will look away smiling shyly. He told me he likes that too! He say he likes to see my shy smile. He say that is my trump card against him. I dunno why, but I will be shy around my man. I like him a lot without even realizing it. Things seems to progress smoothly… With him saying that he likes me n me liking him back… The next step should be making a confirmation to our r/s right?? However, life always had its twist and turns…

I met him yesterday for breakfast before work. When I reached, he was sitting at bench waiting for me while pressing his hp. He did not realize that I was there until I sat down beside him. I dunnno why but I have this habit of me always looking into ppl’s hp looking at what they r looking at. And life’s got to be so tough on me…. I caught a glimpse on his hp and saw the wallpaper. It was a girl kissing him. AT first I tot that my eyes was playing a trick on me. I ask him can I have a look? He rejected me immediately. That was when the truth dawn down on me…. I kept quiet throughout the whole trip to Chinatown. Thinking over and over again what I had just seen. He did ask me why I was so quiet, but I just stared blankly into space. When he didn’t continue to question me further, I knew that wat I fear was true. I used to think about how I would react if I found out that any man was cheating on me. I told myself that I would kick him in the ass followed by a tight slap on the face and walked off coolly. But when it really happened to me, all I could do was to stone. I wouldn’t elaborate on how he admitted to me but I knew that he had a gf of 6 years. He told me that he liked me and that was important to him. He say he knew he was being unfair to me but he would still like to go out with me…. I was devastated… I liked him more that I thought. I want to be with him more than I imagine…. And I think I am starting to fall for him…. The truth really hurts. He made me the other woman. He made me a labeled ‘slut’ that girl shun and woman hate. I kept myself busy with work for the whole day and buried myself with work that was to be dued only 2 weeks later. It was only at night that I found myself slowly tearing away n breaking down. I left my office at 9 and went to a telephone booth opposite my office building. That was the place where I weep like a child…. I called Dan and talked to her…. I really can’t imagine that I actually liked him so much…. We have been dating for barely 2 months. God really played a big joke on me. Tml is my bday and this had to happen to me. Even now, I really missed him…. What should I do…….

Adri