Answers...

Why does he lie to me? Why does he cheat? Was he gf not good enough? Am i too good/ better than his gf? Was he just greedy and wanted to have the best of both worlds? Did he just want to have the cake and eat it too? Maybe he treats me just like a fuck buddy? But if so why does he waste his time to chat to me over the phone, wake up earlier to have breakfast with me, bring me for movies?? Why? Why? Why? Answers, Answers, I need an answer to everything. Every action is done to have a reaction. Therefore, I believe there is a reason behind everything. I am stubborn. Even though the truth may hurts, I will still go all the way to dig out the well-hidden cruel truth. Maybe that’s the reason why I can’t have long-term r/s with guys. Coz sometimes I question everything they did. Why do treat me so nice tonight? Coz u wanna bed me? Insecurities…. I am never lack of. But yet, I nv let it show. KIA is the only guy who sees all sides of me; the good and the bad. Some guys I met like to use my independence as an excuse to neglect me. Some think that I don’t need much protection from them coz of the strong front that I put up. Some was even worse…. They think that I won’t cry…. ‘My ex-man’ is one of them who think that I don’t cry easily. So when I first saw the photo on his hp, he thought that the most I would do is just to walk off. But instead, I let 2 drops of fat, precious tears rolled down my cheeks. But just 2 drop… or the most 4… I hate it…. I hate to let ppl see the weak side of me. I don’t want them to use my weakness to their advantage. That’s why most man only sees the strong side of me… I don’t have the courage to open up to them….

I think of my man a lot… I miss him so much… I miss the way he feeds me with drinks using his mouth. I miss the way he always goes, ‘ Bao bei… don’t be angry la….’ I just miss everything about him… When I am alone, I think of him so much… Work is the only think that take my mind off him. I work and work…. I stayed in the office to finish work that was 1 week ahead of date due. At times when I am alone taking the train, I blast my ipod to the loudest volume that I can take. My ultimate nightmare is not having work to do and having my ipod low batt. Coz when these happens, my mind would be full of him…. So much of him than I can take. I don’t want to be the strong girl that ppl perceived anymore. I want protection… I want security…

Signing off,
Adri