Happy New Year

Next year, this time, I wonder if I would still be together will Kel. As I lay in bed yesterday (with him sleeping beside me), I start to think of our relationship. I ask him if he thinks we are suitable for each other before he fell asleep and he kept quiet. Well, I got the answer. Guys tend to keep their silence when the answer to a question that a girl asked is negative. I didn’t probe further. Deep down inside, I know that he wasn’t my cup of tea. I know it right from the start. But I want to believe that opposite do attract. Things may be interesting at first. But as the nonsensical quarrels set in over the most insignificant matters, I start to get real upset at first. Subsequently, I start to hope that a more suitable guy will come along. I am hoping that this long holiday will be over soon so that we can spend some time apart.

Next year, this time, I wonder who I will be with.

Signing off,
Adri

'The One'

Where has the simple fairy tale of love gone to? Where boy and girl meets, fall in love and live happily ever after. I guess happily ever after wasn’t that easy after all. When reality hits you, it’s not all about love anymore. We have got to be practical. We have got to be realistic. We have got to be financially stable before we can talk about being happily ever after. In every relationship I have, there will come a point where by we get so sick of each other. Though unspoken, it’s understood that both of us just can’t spend as much time together as we spend when in honeymoon and still feel so happy and energetic.

For the past 1 week, Kel and I had been spending all the time together. The first few days seems sweet especially after we have not met for like 2 weeks. We spend our time doing our Christmas shopping and having nice dinner together. But after the 3rd or 4th day, I got real tired and bored. I mean, we had spend all the time doing what we can and what our energy allow (yes, that includes SEX) and towards the 3rd day, we have got totally no more activities in mind. I get real bored. I start to think that if we are really suitable for each other. I start to wonder if I can really live with this guy. I start to wonder if I really love him that much. I start to think that if he is ‘the one’. He seems to be like nothing I am looking for. Am I with him just coz he happens to be around at the right time?

Signing off,

Adri

Gone are the days...

Where sweet nothings are whispered free flow into my ears... Here comes the reality.... 'Stop crying', he said impatiently as I was weeping over the phone coz I feel I am losing my foothold in his heart. I cried even harder. I just can't help it... Why am I getting so emo nowadays... Well, maybe I just can't see why young guys can be trusted. The insecurities are taking over me....

Signing off,
Adri

Maybe... Just Maybe...

When we just know each other, he is always the one who wants more of me. And he always wants to know more of me. Now that he knows me, I am starting to feel the resentment he had towards me. The quarrels that we had more than frequently are wearing him down. He is tired of reporting his every move to me. And more than I wish can, I CAN”T SAY END IT JUST LIKE THIS. I am not a strong girl that I portray. I am weak, I am a gu niang. I am weaker than you think. I need assurance, I need security, I need affirmation, and most importantly, I NEED TO BE NEEDED. You say you need freedom. You say you don’t like to be controlled. Yes I know, I read it before. If you want to catch a man’s heart, you can’t hold on to them too tightly. The more you leave them alone, the more they want you to ask about them. But to put them into actions, I CAN”T. I FREAKING CAN’T DO IT. I hate not knowing where you are. I hate not knowing what you are doing. I am so afraid that I am not as important to you as you are to me. I am paranoid. I am scare… Coz maybe… Just maybe….


I am starting to fall in love with you…

Adri

I aren’t dead...

In a moment of foolishness, after a quarrel with kel, I sent an email to him thinking that the email address won’t still be valid after er…3 years? I was so wrong….

This is what I wrote:

Hi,

How are you lately? I am not sure if this email is still valid, just trying my luck. Anyway, how’s work for you lately? A lot of things happened to me lately and I have no one to turn to. I wish I could turn back time and I would have treasured you more….

Yours truly, always, forever
Guardian Angel

Sent.
I thought nothing about this email after that. But 2 days later, I was shocked to see his reply:

Well, Im married. We are waiting for our new house now and also a baby soon. Career is at its peak. I do not want to do anything to hurt my wife and baby if you get my meaning.

The End.

Short and sweet are words to describe the reply. I was in a daze for the day.Other than plain foolishness and stupid, I can’t find other words to describe my a

I've been dating Kel for close to 5 months now. 5 months.... It seems that I am so used to him now.... Used to seeing him around.... Used to having him running errands for me... Used to him being around when I just have no one to go out with. I can be almost sure that he's with me not only for sex... But he is truly, genuinely falling in love with me. He wants to go into a serious relationship with me. I should be happy, shouldn’t I? Yes right, he is not rich, he is young, he is not that handsome and he is still studying. But, above all of these, the least of the least, HE IS TRUE TO ME. Isn’t that the most important factor?

However, sometimes…. Just sometimes… I still can’t forget the times with ‘him’. Just that day, Kel and I were talking about shavers on the bus…. I was suddenly reminded of the times when he always cut himself when he shaves his moustache. I use to laugh at him and he used to shave my armpit for me using his shaver. Those little intimates’ moments that we share, I will never in my life forget. I suddenly turned quiet throughout the whole bus ride back to Jurong. I looked outside of the window and continue to think about those times that we share. Sometimes when I am eating something that I like, I would start to imagine how life would be like if we were still together. When I wore pants and shirt to work, I would think to myself that he would love it if he ever sees me in that outfit. I sometimes feel that my heart is only open for him and no one else. Maybe that’s the reason why I do not want to commit to Kel….. I am just confused… I am so used to Kel that I am not so sure if I really like him…

Somewhere out there, I wish You are happy and thinking of me tonight… J

Signing off,
Adri

I've been trying hard. Trying hard look for the feelings that I used to have. I am lost and sad. So what that I have a great job that pays well? So what if I can have flexible working hours and I can step into the office in the afternoon so long as I get my job done. So what if my boss always bring me out with other big bosses for drinking session coz she sees great potential in me. So what that there is a dashing young man in the IT dept asking me out for lunch every now and then. So what that I know Kel is a good future investment and he likes me a lot.

At the end of the day, I still feel so EMPTY~ The more cash rich I am, the more empty I feel. I can't say that I am enjoying a high life now but at least I know that I can afford to eat at posh resturant every now and then without having to scrimp and save. I can afford to buy shoes every month from nine west, though its not as prestige as Jimmy Choos. I get to mingle around and hang out with people from the higher society and I get to drink red wine and act classy in front of those snobbish waiters and waitresses who would almost squat down to take my order. Just because I am with ang mohs, the treatment that I got from all these used-t0-be-snobbish waiters/waitress is so different. They call me mdm in front of every sentence. They say pls to every request. They say excuse me whenever they need to be excused. All I had to do is to bring the ang mohs to the KTVs in Singapore, help them to select those elvis songs and sing and drink along with them till wee hours. Isn't that what i wished for? But why am i still so empty?

Signing off,
Adri